reflections part 2: boobies apologist

How awesome are these things? AWESOME.  I've always loved my breasts, except when they first came in and I started panicking that my left one was a little bigger than the right and oh god was I ever going to even out and I'M DISFIGURED. My wise, venerable mother gently and knowingly told me I was normal. (....though I have since begin to question that pronouncement.) Having my normality reconfirmed, I began to love my boobies. For the longest time, I was extra proud of my left boob. Lefty had done a swell job of going the extra mile and being just a little bit plumper and luscious. But they both were FANTASTIC. Breasts are soft and cuddly and warm and sexy and POWERFUL and totally make up for the fact that having boobs means you most likely are a woman and thus deal with an less-than-pleasant outpouring of blood and tissue from your body each month.

Pretty sure gay men are the most deprived people in the world. They are the only group that doesn't (presumably) get boobie access with regular frequency. Hetero dudes get their gf's/wife's/lover's/second wife's (Arrrrrrizonaaaaa)/FWB's titties, and women--straight--get their own. Lezzies get their own AND their partner's. Damn. Now that's just the tits.

Anyway, having a baby makes your boobs like 1,000x better. (What? Es posible???) yes. yes and double yes. Breastmilk is about the most ingenius thing ever invented. You get this kid out of you that's been in safe-harbor for the last 40+ weeks and then you're like "Ohhhh shit. The world is big and hostile and you're so tiny and helpless. I really wish there was this built-in, no hassle, no worries way to make sure you got properly nutriented while simultaneously promoting feelings of security and wellbeing in this hostile environment." And then the lactation consultant barges in your hospital recovery room and whips out your already perfect boobie and starts mashing it (yes. this CLC lady really did this to me.) and being like "Tada. Your wish has been granted."

Things I've learned about breastmilk, only SINCE having Molly:

-there's foremilk and hindmilk. Foremilk is watery and quenches thirst and comes beFORE the hind milk. Hindmilk is thicker and creates fullness and tells baby it's time to stop eating.

-before foremilk is colostrum, which is super rich in nutrients and eases the transition into the harsh extra-utero life. It's also a laxative and gets out all that disgusting tarry black shit called meconium that's been in your kid's digestive tract and bowels when he was on the inside and swallowing his own pee in his little amniotic sack-home (THIS MEANS YES, YOU TOO ALSO SWALLOWED YOUR OWN PEE) so he can poop normally. And we all know how awesome a good poo feels.

-the little bumps on your areola that show up when you get cold are called Montgomery Glands and do AWESOME shit, including act as a little homing device for less-than-one-hour-old newborns to be able to find their way to the nipple.

-Boobies exemplify the perfect balance of a concept I struggled to understand in high school economics: supply and demand. Baby wants more, baby sucks more, boobies make more, baby gets more. Less, less, less, etc. In-fucking-genius.

-they can do this:

Photo of “Abundance” Fountain in Piazza Maggiore, Bologna, Italy. Courtesy of Flikr, by Gio.o.

-and so much more. The World Health Organization LOVES titties. 

The real question is: why don't we learn any of this super amazing stuff in school? Who the fuck cares about dissecting a worm. Wouldn't it be more useful (AND INTERESTING, especially for high school students whose hormones are all over the fucking place) to know what to expect from your body (or your future partner's, or someone's you know) should you end up with or near or peripherally involved with babies at some point in future?  Maybe I'm way off on the educational system comment here, but I'm pretty sure if you watlked into an 11th grade biology or health classroom and said, "Today, class, we're going to talk about titties," you'd have their full attention for the whole 50 minutes.

Also, if you work all day and have to pump for your little one back at home and put your milk in bags, the bags-o-milk are great temporary hand-warmers for those of us with poor circulation and perpetually cold hands.