kiddo-based converstations

I have them. Even when I don't want to. I mean, in my heart, I am very excited that M now has six teeth and is taking a few steps at a time. But also in my heart, I know NO ONE REALLY GIVES A SHIT. Only the child's parents (or grandparents) actually care about mostly boring developmental milestones. But a co-worker or friend asks me, "How is Molly doing?" And suddenly I find myself divulging information about her runny nose or bowel movements. If she were aware I was talking about her that way, I'm sure she'd be mortified. And honestly, how is that even appropriate?

It happens though. All. The. Time. You ask someone about their kid, because, well, it's polite. (?) But no one really wants to know the answer. Barring major illness/injuries--the kind that have YOU stressed--I don't really care if they have the sniffles or are constipated. And unless they just memorized the fucking preamble to the US Constitution, don't waste precious seconds of our adult-together-time to tell me the latest word your mostly-normal developing and completely average child learned. Because it's probably boring. Like "dog," or "more."

Exceptions to this rule: when something is genuinely funny, like:
"My kid just pointed to the freestanding clock in the middle of a busy street and shouted, Look, daddy! a big cock!"
or
when your four year old daughter says something like "Why did the duck cross the road with only underwear and no top on?.. To get to the sexy cow" at a formal family dinner (quote Americanized).

Both of the above are real, documented, and most importantly, acceptable kiddo-based conversations. Don't get me wrong, I participate in unacceptable, boring, and time-wasting kiddo-based conversations all the time. Almost daily. Worse, I contribute to them. And everytime I do, the running commentary in the sides of my brain is stinging my scalp with alarms like WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS. This is one of the few precious times I have with adults near in age and life experience to me, and we are choosing to talk about POINTLESS BODILY FUNCTIONS?? Below is a list of topics so much more worth our time:

• What the EU summit is going to do about Europe's shitty economic situation.
• The fact that tens of thousands of Egyptions gathered in protest of their own government a few days ago, something impossibly only twelve months ago.
• How football players were allowed to tweet during last week's pro-bowl game, alleviating the boredom of watching a game that involves very little aggression. I mean, why else do we watch football?
• Art + booze. Always a winner.
• Art OR booze.
• Why anyone would spend days and days filming a mountain of batshit:

But we never talk about those things, do we? Probably because I'm wrestling a 28lb human in my arms trying to launch herself across the room to get to the something shiny in the corner. Hard to ignore the most obvious topic of converstion. Next time I talk to you, I will probably tell you about M's headbutting me in her sleep. Or how she and the dog have become inseparable.

womp-womp.